5 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship (And No, It’s Not Just About Who Forgot to Text Back)

Spoiler alert: Just because they bought you fries once doesn’t mean they’re “The One.”
Unhealthy relationships can sneak up on anyone—like a slow-building cold, or that “friend” who always shows up empty-handed to potlucks. Whether you’re dating, married, or somewhere in emotional limbo, here are 5 research-backed signs your relationship might be more toxic than tequila on an empty stomach.

1. Communication Feels Like Defusing a Bomb

If you feel like you need a therapist, a priest, and a hostage negotiator just to bring up that they forgot your birthday… yeah, that’s not healthy.

The Science:
Gottman & Levenson (2000) found that negative communication patterns—like stonewalling, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness—are strong predictors of relationship failure. These are known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationship psychology (and no, unfortunately, they don’t ride off into the sunset).

Red Flag in the Wild:
You: “Can we talk?”
Them: “Ugh, here we go again…”

Translation: Your emotional needs are being treated like spam email.

2. One of You Is a Control Freak (and It’s Not Just About the Netflix Password)

Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and autonomy. If one partner tries to control where you go, what you wear, or who you see—congrats, you’re in relationship jail without parole.

The Science:
A study found that coercive control—a pattern of domination through manipulation and monitoring—is a major predictor of long-term emotional damage and relationship dysfunction.

Red Flag in the Wild:
You: “I’m going to grab coffee with friends.”
Them: “I thought we agreed you wouldn’t hang out with people who make me feel uncomfortable.”

Translation: They’re using “I care about you” as code for “I control you.”

3. You’re Always Walking on Emotional Eggshells

If every conversation feels like a potential landmine, you’re not dating—you’re emotionally auditioning for Survivor.

The Science:
People in emotionally unhealthy relationships often suffer from chronic anxiety and hypervigilance, especially when one partner displays unpredictable emotional reactions (Papp et al., 2009).

Red Flag in the Wild:
You spend 20 minutes crafting the perfectly non-offensive text just to say, “Hey, I’m gonna be 10 minutes late.”

Translation: You’re more afraid of their reaction than your dentist.

4. There’s a Whole Lot of Take, But Not Much Give

A good relationship is like a seesaw—sometimes you’re up, sometimes they are, but overall it balances. If you’re constantly giving while they’re on the emotional couch eating grapes… we have a problem.

The Science:
Clark & Mills (1979) differentiated between communal (healthy) and exchange (transactional) relationships. When a relationship turns one-sided, it erodes emotional satisfaction and mutual trust.

Red Flag in the Wild:
You: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.”
Them: “Wow, I’m so glad you said that because I’ve had a rough week too…”

Translation: Your needs are on the backburner—actually, they’re not even on the stove.

5. You’re Always Justifying Their Behavior (To Yourself and Others)

If your internal monologue includes the phrases:

• “They’re just really stressed lately…”

• “They’re not like this all the time…”

• “It’s probably just me overreacting…”

…then welcome to gaslight city, population: you.

The Science:
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is manipulated into doubting their perceptions (Sweet, 2019). Over time, this erodes self-esteem, creates emotional dependency, and causes you to internalize blame.

Red Flag in the Wild:
Friend: “Are you sure that’s okay how they talked to you?”
You: “They didn’t mean it like that…”

Translation: You’re doing emotional acrobatics to justify why they’re not a jerk.

So… What Now?

If you saw yourself (or your relationship/situationship) in more than one of these signs—don’t panic. You’re not doomed. But you might need a reality check and a soft exit strategy.

      Here’s what you can do:

• Talk to a trusted friend (who won’t sugarcoat things).

• Consider speaking with a licensed therapist (not just your group chat).

• Reconnect with your sense of self-worth—it didn’t disappear; it’s just been stuck in emotional traffic.

• And of course… take the PsychSoulMate personality quiz to better understand your relationship style and find the match who doesn’t require emotional hazard pay.

Final Thought:

If your relationship constantly makes you feel anxious, drained, and unsure of yourself… it’s not love, it’s emotional cardio—and that’s not sustainable.

 You deserve better. You deserve balance, respect, safety, and joy—not just someone who says “I love you” but makes you feel like you love you less.

References 

Clark, M. S., & Mills, J. (1979). Interpersonal attraction in exchange and communal relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 37(1), 12–24. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.37.1.12

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x

Papp, L. M., Goeke-Morey, M. C., & Cummings, E. M. (2009). For richer, for poorer: Money as a topic of marital conflict in the home. Family Relations, 58(1), 91–103. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00537.x

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843